Jenny Everywhere and the Eye of Argon
Apr. 1st, 2022 12:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scott_sanfordIf you are unfamiliar with the 1970 fantasy tale The Eye of Argon, stop now, because what follows won’t make sense.
Instead go read the Wikipedia article and decide if this sounds like your kind of humor. Should it be that you’re amused by this train wreck of malapropisms and bad editing you can read the original here. The tale is even more enjoyable in company, playing the reading game described on the Wiki page.
Disclaimer: Due to adult situations, incoherent plotting, poor grammar, and worse spelling this story is unsuitable for all audiences and should not be read by anyone.
See Jenny Everywhere:
Trapped in a land before spell check!
Carrying a sword wearing a leather bikini!
Fight rodents of greater-than-average size!
Finger an Accordian!
Gaze into the Eye of Argon!
and the Eye of Argon
by Scott Sanford
1 April, 2022
“Are we out of sourdough?”, Jenny Everywhere asked aloud.
“Could be,” Kim told her roommate, not looking up from her novel. “You were going through a lot of it for toast the other day.”
“Oh, yeah,” Jenny acknowledged. “I remember.”
Jenny considered the kitchen bread cabinet, which most people would count as well stocked, and sighed. Nothing else looked good.
“I’m just really the mood for sourdough toast right now. I think I’m going to have to go to the store.”
“If you can get it, how about more of that Martian bread you brought home last month? That smelled amazing.”
“Hey, that’s an idea! It’s genetically engineered hyper-something. I can’t remember if it’s the grain or the yeast or both, if anyone ever said. But I remember the universe where I found it. I think I even have money from there.”
Jenny rummaged around in a side drawer full of colorful paper and odd coins; in a few moments she produced a handful of bills in shocking pastel colors, which she stuffed into a pocket.
She grinned and adjusted her goggles.
“Back in a few minutes!”, she announced, and shifted away.
Reality eructed about Jenny and ahe found herself in another strange world. She blonked in surprise and looked around for she fond herself ona path bordered by plush vegitation in a landscape she didn’t recognize.
“This is not mars!,” gasped Jeny surprisingly.
She turned in a full circle to view the wordl though she had known intsantly she had gone off course and this was not her destination. Gravity pulled at her body with the full might of Earth! As far as the eye could see there were no crystal pillars by the edge of an empty sea. This was not Mars.
“and my words...” Pondered Jenny. Realization hitt and she pronounced; “Of course! Thsi world imposes its own rules on veryone within it…”
Every universe had its own peculiar rules of course, with whatever rules of physics it ran on, but some were more insistant than tohers. They could distort probability or logic, tilting the whole world toward or away from particular behavoirs, even entire stories. She knew such universes existed, and had even visited a few,
She would have to learn the rules of this realty, and quickly. Lest they catch her by surprise.
“This wrold smells of stories! But what heroic tales of adventurous deeds are told up on this livid stage?” Jenny felt the answer was on the tip of her tongue if she could only think of it.
An idle breeze chorused her skin and she noticed her new state of dress. She bore a cleaming chainmail scarf about her neck and shoulders and high laced sandles at her feet. Between only a stout harness fro her sword and a few bits of leather in the form of a revealing bikini.
“My clothes! I had stuff in my pockets!” The bemused Shifter perused her muchly revealed form and admitted, “But I do look good like this. I may like this place, if these are the fashions.”
She heard something approaching and growled, “Hark! another approaches;”
Abrupty a vile creature chargled down the surly path upon thundering paws, a giant ratlike creature of rumpled hair and linear whiskers.
Jenny’s sword shot out lick lightening, her glistening steel blade at the ready for the monster.
It leaped and she smote it a mighty blow against its leg, jumping aside to avoid the creature’s rancid talons. Squealing and furious it fell to the ground, thrashing.
“Cursed rodent!,” she sneered boisterously, “You have attacked you’re last traveller!”
Hissing the creature charged once more but again jenny was the faster and her razor edged longsword found it’s heart and it fell dead upon the dusty gound.
Barely had she cleand her sword upon its’ fur and placed it in her scabbard but a horseman approached along the same path, riding briskly when he came into her view but slowing when he espied the Shifter and the slaim rodent at her feet.
She saw the lone rider was a tall and slender youth his muscular form much barred in a loincloth and iron-spiraled helm, with a leather belt of weapons.
“Ho, traveller, who art thou!,” she questioned?
“I am the warrior Tyse, a protector of Ecord, tasked to slay the giant rats of Argon! I have been chasing one down this very road.”
Jenny pointed to the blood soaked sward and the ground stained scarlet with the life blood of the slain rat that laid thereupon
“There is your rat, Tyse, dead by my own blade. You may have it if their is a reward for I need no coin.”
Well done, girl” he congratualted her.
“I am not mearly any wench,” growled Jenny, hefting her broadwsord and standing erect. “I am the one called The Shifter, known as Jenny Everywhere!”
“Well met, Jenny. You should be known in Ecord as well.” From the moment he lad eyes on the comely opaque girl he kenw she was no trivial slut. The warrior Tyse felt many ideas formed within his mind and in his lion cloth. “In sooth, you may destroy as many of the rodents as you please, for they roam the land in great numbers these days.”
“What occasions it that you have so mane rats hereabout” She queried?
“These rats have been embiggened by the shamen of Argon”, he told the spirited damsel. “They are inflicting the etnire land.”
“A plaque of giant rats!,” she marbled. “By magic of evil magicians! Aye, that is a worthy quest! Tyse, I have found my purpose in Eccord – my density must be to slay them!”
“This road will take us to the temple, of the shamen of Argon in but a few hours ride, if you will join me”
The girl from everywhere pondered these words and the look of the Ecordian warrior, then nodded agreement. She replaced her razor edged saber within its sheath. “Aye Warrier, I will travel with you.”
“My horse can carry two. You use your blade well but you may bide your strength for the villians of Argon, if you trust to be safe in my hands.”
“Certainly your hands may be called upon for many tasks before this day is done”, Jenny osberved as her gaze roamed up and down the muchly bare form of the rider. She grined knowingly at the well mucsled youth.
“You will find they are skilled at many tasks, girl.” the Ecordian promised with bouyant confidence. “ If you choose to ride before me I will swear to travel with my hands upon the reigns not my companion.”
“I will ride behind you.” the girl stated. grinning with amusement and anticipation, “And I will make so such promise.”
Jenny ajudged the horseman’s sleak form as they rode through the countryside, little hindered by his lion cloth.
“Tell me more of these rodents and the florid wizerds that created them” she bid her companion.
“We shall find only a few shamen in the temple of Agron itself, with luck, Tyse exposed. “But their is no telling how many rats and other monsters they may have created but yet to releasse upon the word.”
“Good; they will be few enough to scatter before the two of us;”
Jenny exploreed the barbarian’s well marbled arm muscles with her hands, pondering his likely prowess in battle and other endeavours.
“Youre sword arm will make short work of mear rats”, she said. “a few powerful thrusts and they will be done for, Indeed such could be my only fear.
“You need fear noting when I am with you, girl.” Tyse assured her
“Yet I do warrior. It would be a sad day if you a man of only a few thrusts.” She giggled lightly, certain the barberian thought as she did. She stroked his bare torso to ensure he knew, and because she wanted to. “I seek much more than that.”
“Nay” he gasped forcfully, “a warrior of Eccord must last through every battle, for as long as his companions lasts.”
“If not a vapid promise of coursing stamina,” mused the sifter, “Those are welcome words indeed.”
Jenny saw a stream ahead, with an enviting sandy spot on the bank.
“We should stop.” She suggested. “For… lunch.”
“Aye, let us bide a while here,” he acquiesced. He guided his faithful steed to the soft riverside and drew to a halt.
Jenny slid of the horse and look in the sight of the Eccordian warriror dismounting, his supple thews flexing in the sunlight.
He took off his iron spiralled helm, freeing a torrent of virile red hair. and gazed at his newfound companion.
“You are like no other winch I have met, Jenny” He told her.
“I am not,” the Shifter promised him. “But I am a normal woman in some ways.”
She reached out to take him by the shoulder and drew him closer to her. He wrapped her in his arms and descended upon her awaiting lips.
Soon the shifter gave a contented grunt as the warrior lowered her to the sward.
Ahead of the travellers loomed a great stone pagen temple, rearing above the trees of the jungle and domineering the landscape around.
“There;” declaimed the Eckordian, “within the tempel we shall fnid the shamen who have efflicted the land!”
“Let us waist no time” averred Jemmy.
Riding to the enterance unhindred they discovered a whether beatedn sign reading DO NOT ETNER as the sole Guard of the doorway
“Sign or no we shall etner anyway;” Janny pronounce.d
“Aye“ he agreed.
Baldly they approached the gateway with swords in hands to find theselves at the posterior of a long stairway that lofted up and out of sight. Tarrying not they ascended itno the tempel, finding themselves in a aeiry court yard decorated with lurid mosaics .
The Shifting wench was struck in awe to see a vast murral painted upon the stoney wall a towering image of a cycloptic diety with a single scintillant jewel in it’s obling eye sockit, mystick rays immanented from it’s eye, depicted as a unique scarlet jewel with many faucets.
“That is the accursed idle of Argon, as it looked ere many a year ago”, Tyse told her.
“A horrorific image,” the Sifter agreed
“Look not too long upno the image of Argon,” worned Tyse “That is but a painting of one of it’s statutes but it is yet danderous to ponder the diety too often.”
“Sooth,“ The hsifter agreed. Tearing her eyes away from the site of teh pustulant diety “Let us not loiter ere we lose our advantage of suprise.”
“By the three bosoms of Lorad-rak let us make it so!”
They quickly they advanced into the impudent entrance and found the circular hall within within filled with cages of eldritch creatures and a handful of long-robed shamen arrayed around a deep pit in the centre.
All eyes were on them the moment they entered.
“Inturders!”, bellowed the high priest, in mistakable with a shaven head and a large bejewelled necklace. “Take them!”
IN a flurry of activity the lesser shamen loosed monsteous rats from their confinement and urged them into battle against the intruders.
Jenny and Tyse did not wait to be attacked but rushed forward, slaying the first few that reached them, sending the other rodents scurrying in all directions as the cowardly mutations fled from the inevitable doom of their flashing steel blades.
“Merely delay the infiddles and I shall summon an unstoppable creture from the stygian bowels of the lower hells!”” boasted the shaven-headed priest at the top of his lungs.
The hairless magistrate chanted in an unkown tongue his arms upraised and Vile epirptions of slime spit upwards out of the pit as an indescribible mass leveraged its’ way upward.
“Behold! He summons assestants1” cried Tyse.
“Foools!” bellowed the magistart, “none shall stand before the Spawn of Fashan!”
The shapeless creature lashed out with a tenticle at Tyse who dodged nimblly away from the atttack.
“Mfirk!”, he swore, “This is a larger creature than the rats!”
“See to the wizerds” Jenny pronounced. “I shall slay thee monster!”
Leping forward the Sifter sliced the opprobious tendril in twain, spilling it’s ichor and causing a hidaous screech from the injured monstrosety.
“Aye, valiant slut, have no fear but I lay these curs in their graves!” Setting upon them he scattered the alcolyte shamen screaming in all directions
Jenny hacked skillfully at the flailing tenticles of the spawn of Fashan, working her way around the pit to the still chanting hairless magistrate.
“You!” she bellowed seizing him by his ornately jeweled necklace and shaking. “Dismiss your fowl summoning lest I slice thee open myself!
“Foolish wnech;” he sneered at the top of his lungs “it is too late for the spawn is upon us!”
Jenny felt a slimy leathery limb wrap around her supple body and knew this was true, The thing had her! It pulled her back toward the pit and she attempted to drag the bald shaman with her, but he broke free of his neklace and fled backwards in terror of the fetulant monstrosity he himself had summond.
She was dragged to the lip of the pit where she could see the entirty of the things shapeless circular body and many tentecles. A siphon gaped up at her from between its five eyes, osculating lewdly.
“Impertinent horror1” she scowled. “Ive slaim the likes of you before@!”
Plunging her razored swrod into its’ largest eye she screamed her defiance.
All the world around her wobbled as the monster present by sorcerous evocation trimbled and dyed.
Everything went dark.
Jenny landing gracefully upon the floor, her blade ready, but in a heartbeat realized she was back in her own kitchen.
“Oh… wow,” she gasped. “That world was really something.”
“Welcome back,” Kim said.
“I went a little off course. And I never did get any bread.” Realizing she was still holding her sword, she grabbed a paper towel, wiped it clean, and slid it back into its scabbard. Jenny came out to join her friend. “It’s really good to be home. That universe made my head ache just talking to people.”
Kim, apparently not having moved from the living room couch while Jenny was gone, looked up and took in the sight of her roommate. “I see you had an adventure again.”
“Yeah. I think I lost everything I had in my pockets.”
“Not to mention the pockets,” Kim observed with a grin, at the same time observing quite a lot of Jenny not normally on display. “Since you weren’t dressed like a Boris Vallejo painting when you left I’m guessing the weather is very warm where you went.”
“Oh, yeah. Other things too.” She smiled and giggled happily to herself without elaborating, then struck a pose playfully to show off. “Isn’t this something? I don’t think I’ve worn this little in public since the last time I met the Puritan Streaker”
Jenny noticed that she still had her left hand full.
“Hey, you sometimes wear jewelry. Want a necklace?” She dropped the bald shaman’s necklace onto the coffee table with a clunk.
“Oh my,” said Kim, sitting up with a sudden new interest. She was more than astute enough to make guesses about the resale value of jewelry heavy enough to go clunk. “...I think we can replace whatever you had in your pockets.”
Jenny sighed and remarked, “I never did get to Mars.”
“Which is a pity, because that is definitely how I would dress to go to Mars,” Kim lied, a twinkle in her eye.
“I’d definitely wear something like this if I ever found Barsoom!,” Jenny said eagerly. “That would be amazing. And you know there would be exciting things going on there.”
“I think I’d rather go somewhere with fewer sword fights, but it would have its moments.”
“Oh, yeah. What do you think the night life is like in Helium, anyway? I could just find a nice club somewhere, relax with my friend the Thern, and wait for adventure to find us.”
Kim laughed lightly and agreed, “I’m sure it would.”
Anyone unfamiliar with The Eye of Argon probably bailed out early; for the rest of you, I hope you enjoyed the effort. This struck me as a fine tale for April Fools’ Day.
It was more effort than a normal story of this length would be because, wow, it’s hard to write like this. Also, I kept giggling and chortling the whole time, meaning I had to do it in private and making writing inefficient.
And I don’t know what the problem is with the vocabulary; these are all perfectly cromulent words, right?
It’s interesting that Jenny noticed the bizarre features of that universe right away. How was she subjectively perceiving the misspellings and grammatical horrors of land of Ecord, as a fictional character within it? How close do you think Jenny was to the fourth wall then? Valid questions, to be sure. Don’t ask me for hard answers, I just write this stuff…
For that matter, how much of her behavior was influenced by the world? Jenny noticed her speech changing; it’s reasonable to think she’d act differently in a less constricted universe. It seems difficult for that world to contain stories that aren’t cheesy sword and sorcery tales. The thud and blunder genre is clearly a universe feature here; plausibility and character development are optional.
The character of Tyse is named for Jim Theis, who grew up to be a much more capable – and articulate – adult than his unedited teenage fiction would suggest.
And yes, I called a horrible monster the Spawn of Fashan; I went there.
What do you think the Puritan Streaker’s deal is, by the way? My guess is that he lives on a nudist world and has some objection to people who go around gratuitously wearing clothes. I’m sure Paul Hoppe could have fun with the Puritan Streaker. (Jay Epps might already be sketching character designs.) If any of you have ideas for this, feel free to grab the inspiration and run with it!
